I should have been working instead of contemplating

Why does it always feel like I'm stuck between two worlds? Always in-between, never really belonging to either side because I'm too-[the other side] to belong.

These thoughts came to me as I was observing the Instagram of my boyfriend's (fiancé - hmmm I need to get used to this word haha) cousin, who's apparently head-to-head with my boyfriend to become the pride of their big family. Who do you think is gonna win? Him the doctor or her the influencer?

Growing up, I never really respected those who went for popularity rankings. But those people are always really good at creating the impression that they have the world by their palms. The cousin is exactly the type - along with her circle. While me, I'm more of an academic, work-study-hard-cos-I-cannot-afford-not-too overachiever who probably would become the target of their bullying had I not been the one to lend them notes and teach them before exam time.

I'm currently working in an environment where brains and hard work mattered instead of how you look. It's a tough IT world for girls - and it certainly always feels like I don't have anyone to look up to (except for the mainstream, world-famous names like Hedy Lamarr who invented the Wi-Fi. Katherine Johnson whose calculations brought men to the moon, or Ada Lovelace who was practically the inventor of analytics and computer science - HECK, this whole field used to be very feminime and ours for the taking :')). But right now, right here, I'm a definite minority. I have had to trailblaze my own path.

Girls like me.... we don't exactly blend in with the popular crowd. I used to think of them as too superficial - or maybe I was the one who's too weird and nerdy for them.

Now however, I'm pursuing professional ballet - a world which is filled with many of hyper-feminime girls who are respectable in their own rights, many coquette-dressed fellow girls (I've been slowly turning into one), and of course, my boyfriend's cousin's social circles who thought that ballet is really cool.

The IT guys thought I'm too feminime and not deep enough for IT while the popular girls thought I'm too weird for being passionate about coding and math :)

Ah.