On regulating emotions and boundaries

I don’t know why I’m writing this, after such a long hiatus.. Perhaps, this will just be a short entry — just something scrambled that I could barely edit or polish, since my emotions and thoughts are so disorganized right now.

I just thought… my bucket is full right now, and I am feeling so overwhelmed with everything. I need an outlet to express something… anything… My boyfriend usually serves as my outlet — bless him — or my parents, but this is just something I can’t really put into proper expressions yet. We are both still learning to understand each other, and there are days-

There are days when it’s just so hard to go on, especially in this industry. I know from the start that the path I have chosen is quite unusual, being an ambitious woman in tech and mathematics — especially after starting off with a wrong major. I had to fight so much alone, done things that should have been impossible, defied a lot of voices that said, “You’re crazy for wanting XXX things.”

The other women in tech that I’ve met so far — and they are few and far in-between — are much more ‘stereotypical’ than me, like truly starting in computer science as a bachelor, a hijabi muslim who have much better time blending in with the guys, or educated abroad with silicon valley exposure. I just…. don’t think they could understand why I am the way that I am.

And such days are today.

I don’t think he meant it, but I just wish there were less judgements on the way I operate from others. I already have to deal with my team-member-recently-raised-to-supervisor’s constant surveillance and judgement. I don’t need to deal with any from loved ones.

I started this morning later than what I had hoped for, but I was so tired emotionally and physically yesterday. I went to sleep immediately after arriving at home late and showering. Didn’t get to do any skin care routine, planned to wash my hair but couldn’t, planned to finish some pending laundry but couldn’t… but most importantly, planned to finish my bug hunt last time but couldn’t. As a result, I started my morning rushing all of those — and it left me feeling emotionally exhausted and almost late to work.

But I did my best, didn’t I? I was looking to take some pride that I managed to rush it all at all despite everything so I gushed to my boyfriend, but he was… less than sympathetic that I thought he would be.

I just… maybe he was tired from all the night shift he just did at the hospital — I tried to understand, I really did. It kind of…. hurt a little bit though?

This is why relationships are so hard: you allow yourself to be very vulnerable, providing someone a chance to strike when it hurts the most (especially when I am normally the unflappable ice queen). My boyfriend, the person I love for who he is, happens to be a doctor — and I, little old me, happen to be a tech girl, a data scientist aspirant. We’re both on the opposite ends of the spectrum career-wise — what a couple we are making though, one an expert of biology and chem, the other an expert of math and physics — we make quite a duo, don’t we? 😝

Although, sometimes there are days when it’s quite…. a challenge to understand each other, like today. I was just… hoping for a more understanding I guess, but maybe he’s still learning to understand me as well. I ought to be more compassionate. He might not yet understand the scope, the sacrifice, and what it took to get me here — and likewise, I might not yet understand all of his struggles and sacrifices to become the medical doctor that he is right now.

We’re alright now, though. That’s one of the things I love the most about him: he doesn’t hesitate to apologize whenever he feels like he’s doing something wrong. It takes a massive cut to one’s ego to apologize, I realize, and yet, he does that consistently.

It’s quite a challenge for us both to set up our own boundaries. In some ways, me and him are quite similar fundamentally — one of those similarities are in the way we both tend to put ourselves last and selflessly give until we cannot anymore — then when our boundaries are crossed and our tolerance threshold reaches maximum, then we turn into this savage dangerous being who is feared by everyone.

I honestly don’t know what’s the point of this writing 😅, but in some mysterious ways, I have achieved my goal of writing: to help me unload and feel better. I do feel so much better now, and I’m continuing to work, crunch numbers, and manipulate data.