Just a thought...

Sometimes...

I go to work and hang out with the data guys..

Talking about the latest tech, glancing in equal awe and curiosity over the C++ codes the engineers are doing..

Me and my soft clothes and skirt and my hair down

The guys are looking at me like I don't belong there because I don't look like them, the very few engineer girls are glancing away from me, dismissing me as just a vapid superficial girl due to my feminine appearance..

But deep down I love digging and assembling and getting my hands dirty just like an engineer

It's so hard to belong isn't it?

Then at night I go to a fine dining with my boyfriend, whose big family is looking at him in wonder, "Why don't you choose someone from your profession like everyone expected?"

"Who's this girl and where did you even find her?"

The girl who looks just Chinese enough but whose profession raises so many questions.

Isn't IT supposed to be done by nerdy guys?

What's data science anyway? 

Why not a doctor or somebody who everyone can consult during dinners?

I barely belong here too...

But here's the thing.

Regardless of everyone's suspicion, I don't love him due to his profession. I love him in spite of.

I love his kind heart, his selflessness, his nobility, his caring nature, his intelligence and bravery...

He reflects me and I him.

But we came from such a different world

The tech and math girl with the doctor boy - Who designed this love story?

I was wary dating him would be difficult, but sometimes we cannot choose who we fall in love with.

But I'm not those typical girls (at the risk of sounding so pick me)...

I couldn't afford to pay my way in to his profession back then, I didn't have the heart to sacrifice my parents' livelihood just for my selfish ambition. 

I have never been a typical Chinese-Indonesian girl with an easy beautiful life whose instagram filled with aesthetics.

I needed to get in tech to support my parents

And I wonder...

I have fought so hard and broken so many barriers to get here.

But it sometimes feels like it's not enough

I don't fit in their boxes

Is it supposed to be this hard at 26? Why is it so hard for me? Why do I have to take the most abnormal ways to get here? Why can't I just settle and be normal and happy just like my peers are doing?

Why is this my calling?

This is just a thought, plaguing me for nights to sleep...

I don't know where this road leads, but although I might not understand it now, there must be a reason for this, right God?